a new journey

We are adding 4 feet to our family!

                                   Jensen twins: due Feb. 2016!


This photo was taken when Adelaide was just days old.  At the time it seemed crazy to see that many little feet belonging to our family.   Having Adelaide join all those big brothers made our family feel a level of joy we didn't know was possible.  I wondered how I could ever want for more.  As time passed I didn't feel a void necessarily but I could never feel peace about being all the way done with the "having children" phase.

All the moms I talked to had their own stories of feeling closure; some said they knew their family was complete the moment their last baby was born.  Others said that over time they felt peace gradually sometimes over a period of years.  I figured since I hadn't had any revelation about it that my closure would have to come gradually.  I prayed for peace, I had faith that if I gave away all my baby toys, car seats, crib, changing table and blankets and bought a car with exactly 7 seats in it that I would be showing God that I had the courage to look forward to our next chapter: "Child Rearing".

I even told Heavenly Father that His helping us get over to Russia with a family of kids could be a sign that we are ready for that chapter by going on cazy adventures with the children we already have.  Things were going great, or so I thought,  Soon after getting home from our traveling I was awoken by a little voice whispering  "Mom".  When I opened my eyes there was no one there.  I was tired...was I just hearing things?  Then it happened again and this time it was so real to me that I actually answered: "what?"...when I opened my eyes again there was no one there.

I began a very long very painful battle with myself. I wanted to have another child, if it were God's will, certainly I would be obedient if I felt prompted to do so, but each time I asked in prayer I felt that His answer was that the choice was mine.  "Well, if the choice is mine" I reasoned, "Considering the challenge it is to raise the 5 very dynamic children that we have and considering every one of my many weaknesses, I choose out of pure logic to be done."   Yet that answer would never really bring me peace.

Weeks and months passed.  I asked for a priesthood blessing, attended the temple weekly, fasted and prayed earnestly begging for an answer.  Each time the answer was the same; this choice was mine to make.  I have made many decision based on faith and obedience.  I feel like obedience was not the issue, God clearly wanted me to be strong enough to decide on my own and to own my decision. Why couldn't He just tell me the right choice?

Finally one day my answer came.  Oddly, it happened on my temple day but not at the temple. Although it was my day to be at the temple, I hadn't gone since I was expecting family to come in town.  I was standing in my kitchen washing dishes as my two younger kids played with play dough. We were listening to Janice Kapp Perry's greatest hits CD, when my very favorite of her songs came on.
             "Where is heaven?  Is it very far?  I would like to know if it's beyond the
               brightest  star...I can see it, that it's not so far, when you're with the ones
               you love it's right where you are."

And it was, for one moment as if heaven really were in my kitchen.  I was overcome with peace, joy and a desire to bring another child into our home.  Not because I felt like I should, or because I wanted to obey.  I wanted it with all my heart.  I had made the decision for myself!  It felt so good!
I immediately sent a text to Derek telling him that I really wanted a baby.  He has ever been wary of having a child too far apart from the other kids.  He replied: "Well, if we are going to go for it, let's just have 2!"

I suppose that sending us twins is just the remedy for Derek's concerns.  Now I see God's wisdom in helping me choose this choice on my own (with His help of course but without feeling compelled or commanded). I feel it had to be that way in order to have the strength to accept that our family will be jumping overnight from 7 to 9!  Jensen town is about to get just a little crazier than it already is!  I say: Bring it on!

"Look unto me in every thought, doubt not, fear not."  D&C 6:36