Reflection and Recjoicing

Today is Pioneer day (the day that Brigham young declared to the Latter-Day Saints that they had found the place to settle after years of persecution and oppression.)  It has also been exactly one year since I found out that we were expecting twins.  I'm amazed at all that has happened and how dramatically our lives have changed since that day one year ago.  

I spent so much of my energy worrying about how tricky it was going to be having 2 babies, but I didn't realize that the babies were not going to be the tricky part...The trick is figuring out how to parent a teenager, a couple of tweens and two younger kids while spending sleepless nights rocking babies and changing messy diapers.  I absolutely LOVE my babies!!!  

And I absolutely LOVE my big kids, but their needs are so very different and when you feel like your brain is full of baby food and then you are hit hard with a very real, very heartbreaking older-child trial that requires prayer and pondering and clear thinking it gets challenging and you wish you could just snap your fingers and pause the messy diaper need and put your whole heart into another issue that requires your love and attention.

Sometimes it feels overwhelming and I wonder if there would be fewer fights, more respect, more peace and order in a home with out so many real issues.  

                                                       

This week I was humbled and changed by 2 amazing mothers.  The first is an amazing girl who signed up to bring me a meal after my twins were born having never before met me.  She brought enough food for a small army; homemade muffins, homemade bread and minestrone soup (yes homemade!) "Who is this girl?"  I wondered, that would spend an entire day making this amazingness for complete strangers.  I soon learned she was expecting and vowed to bring her a meal when her baby was born however inferior my meal would be to hers.  I waited for her baby to be born.  Then, today in Church I learned that just days before her baby was to be born, his heart stopped beating.  Yet, today, only a few weeks after this devastating loss she stood in church speaking on the topic of hope in God through covenant keeping. 

The other mother that changed me this week gave birth to a sweet baby just weeks ago.  The doctors told her that due to a rare condition he had he wouldn't survive their stay at the hospital.  Defying their predictions, this little one has left the hospital and is making a brave go at life.  Although this family knows their time with their baby will be short, they live each day with courage and faith enjoying the moments they do have together.  

I am so very moved by these women of faith.  I am filled with emotion thinking of what they are going through and yet in my interactions with both of them this week hoping to offer some kind of comfort, I was the one that was lifted. 

 I know that things at my house are crazy and that there are moments when I just long for a little peace, but I wouldn't wish it away for anything.  I want wake each day with joy that we have the opportunity to live this day with our children.  Life is beautiful! Life is fragile!  Life is hard! We all have our own fire to pass through to refine us into the individuals that God intended us to become.

For the longest time, I felt like adding more children to our lives would be too difficult and I feared I wouldn't have the strength for it.  I have come to learn that the inspiration to bring these little guys into the world was not meant to be a trial as I had feared, but a gift.  They are a prize, a treasure that is getting me through difficult times I have with the other children.  Whenever things get crazy I only have to glance at their chubby faces to know that ALL IS WELL.  And truly it is!

Doubly Blessed

I never thought that two TINY people...could bring such an ENORMOUS amount of joy!

 

I've never slept less.... and never smiled more.

 

I've never been this hungry (trying to nurse 2 little guys)...and never eaten this well (thank you to all those who lovingly prepared delicious meals for our family!!!!)

 

I've never had such a messy house...    

...Until my sweet neighbors and friends came to clean it for me (and not just once!!)

Derek has never looked so handsome...as he does when he's snuggling a baby.

I've never felt so close to my mom...as I did while watching her folding my laundry (all 49 loads!), loving my babies (and big kids), seeing her cry when we talked about all the miracles we've witnessed with these little ones and knowing that she went through this 10 times!!

 







I've never seen my "little kids" act so big...

















 ... as they did when there was no one home but them to help Mom with really hard jobs!

I've never seen my tough "big kids" soften up....

...like they do when a baby falls asleep on them.

I've never felt so certain I can't do it on my own...until The Lord showed me I don't have to.

A growing heart; my greatest gift!!!

At 5:33 and 5:36 January 13, 2016 two tiny loves entered our family and changed our world forever!

 For weeks leading up to the birth I tried to imagine what life would be like with 2 more children; 2 more small, sweet, helpless people who would need a mama that could nourish and love them around the clock.  How could I find a way to freeze time and the needs of the rest of my family in order to give these babies all that they would need to survive?  And more importantly, how could I stretch my heart in order to give the love needed to sustain my family emotionally?

 

  Evenings can be magical times for communication at our house.  Sometimes communicating with boys is tricky.  They don't always gush out their emotions so you have to be ready to listen when they are ready to talk. 

  My little ones have a ritual of Dad or Mom "talking" to them at night. They have to be all ready for bed and lying down in the darkness to earn the privilege. They call it "questions"  Derek always knows just the right things to ask.  Sometimes they ask us  the questions about life or about our childhood etc.

 

These evening conversations are a chance to get a little more brain cells out of Mom or Dad in a calmer environment that doesn't compete with email, cell phone conversations or other siblings needing help. 

 

 With the older boys we bond in the evenings by watching an episode of one of their favorite shows.  This has also been a really sweet time with no younger siblings competing for our attention.  Although the older kids have mostly grown out of the evening conversations there are times when one or both of them will say: "Do you want to talk?" Many times these invitations come after a long day when I'm particularly excited about heading to bed myself.  The temptation is strong to make a plan to talk another time, but I know that for as rare as these opportunities come, I need to embrace each one and be the listener they need at that moment.

 On Sunday evening I got pretty emotional realizing that by the next Sunday all would be different in our home.  I went to each of the rooms of the 3 older boys and had a talk with them, telling them how much I loved them and that even with two new brothers coming my heart would still be with them. For weeks I prayed sincerely that I could truly be enough.

When I got to hold the babies for the first time I knew that my prayers had been answered.  It was perhaps not unlike the moment when the apostles gathered the few loaves and fishes they could find and after distributing enough for all in need they found their baskets overflowing in excess, a true miracle.  At that moment my heart was bursting with the most intense love; love for these sweet little beings, love for my husband for the amazing journey we traveled together to get to that moment, and  love spilling over and over for each of our special loves at home. I knew I don't have to try to be enough all by myself.  With God, ALL things are possible.  We are ALL enough because of HIM!

Gender reveal!

We are having 2 BOYS!!!!  It has taken me a little time to write this post. I needed time to take it all in!  The first day we found out we were having twins I told Derek: " I don't think I could ever raise twin boys!"  I said this over and over to myself and others for several weeks,  Being a mom of many boys, I know that 2 (or 3 or 4..) boys together means energy, noise, teasing, fighting, tears (sometimes theirs, sometime my own) and sometimes even blood.  I know that my stewardship over my children includes teaching them to love and most days it's hard to recognize progress in this area with all of that going on.

Then there is the issue of Adelaide having a sister.  I have 5 amazing sisters who are so much a part of my life that I can't imagine a world without them.  Like my sweet Mother, they inspire me to be better, advise me when I am in a difficult situation, comfort me when I struggling and serve me when I am in need.  How could Adelaide go through life without even one sister?

All of these thoughts filled my mind as the ultrasound tech announced that we would be having 2 boys.  I must have looked pretty flustered because she asked me multiple times if I was OK.  Derek on the other hand couldn't keep from laughing out loud which made the whole situation even more comical.

Shock was only the first of the emotions that hit me, next I went through denial, and then a strange sadness.  My sadness  was for the loss of the sister that I had somehow been sure was coming for Adelaide.   After feeling this sadness, I  then felt guilt for feeling sad (why would any human being ever feel sad when she is able to bring 2 beautiful children into the world?)  These thoughts recycled themselves over and over in my mind. After about a week I gathered the courage to tell my extended family who had kindly reported that they were praying that we could add another girl to our family.

Before I had announced the gender of the babies to neighbors, I got a call from a sweet friend who told me (without knowing our news) how glad she was that there were strong families raising boys who could one day marry daughters like hers.  I know she was inspired to call since I think the adversary  had been filling my heart and mind with just the opposite idea: that I was already doing so poorly with the boys I was raising now that adding to that number would only make everything worse.

In time I was able to recognize that my feelings off loss for the sister we wouldn't give Adelaide did not equal sadness at having 2 baby boys.  It was a totally separate emotion.  Working though those emotions I was able feel, peace, then total joy at the privilege of welcoming these little spirits into our home.  I have also come to realize that although I cherish the sister relationship I enjoy with my own siblings, God has sent me "sisters" who, while not my blood relations are every bit as dear and precious to me as my own family.  I have no doubt that Adelaide will be equally blessed in her life as she finds dear friends to fill in those gaps.  Besides, she will ever be the lone princess in the Jensen home, and who wouldn't love that?

Although it would be a while before I would feel this  complete peace I could feel God whispering peace to me the very evening of the ultrasound.  As I drifted off to sleep I could hear the words of a favorite primary song come to my heart: "We are as the army of Helaman...".  6 boys, could potentially mean 6 missionaries.  That would be pretty awesome!  I may not be the mother that I dream of being, Many moments of our day are filled with all  those boy things I mentioned above and more but a home full of boys also can mean a home of strength (physical and emotional), a home of service, a home of missionaries, a home of protection and a home filled with the priesthood.  Who wouldn't feel so blessed to have all those things?  Besides, if my boys end up anywhere close to being like Derek, they are going to be amazing.

Yes we are having 2 more boys!  I can now say with a smile (and a twinkle in my eye!),  Isn't is womderful!?

 Baby "A" 3-D facial image


















Baby "B" 3-D facial image