Our babies turned one year in January. As I reflect on all that has happened in our
lives since they became a part of it I am filled with emotion. Even the idea
that we could have chosen not to have another child (which became 2) is unthinkable
to me now. The depth to which our lives
have been touched by these little people is almost impossible to describe. I believe we are all better, happier and less
selfish because of the sweetness their spirits have brought to our home. It wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t also admit
that this last year has pushed us physically, emotionally and spiritually in
painful ways. There have been so many times when I wondered how I could be
strong enough to do what was required to help my growing family to become all
they could become with my limited abilities, many other times I felt strength
come at times when I knew I was not doing this alone. Truly God has sent heavenly and earthly
angels to lift and bless our family when we have needed it the most.
There was a time while on my mission in Russia, that I had
felt that when I became I mother I would have 8 children and had shared this
idea with Derek even before we were married.
This dream quickly faded as we married and had our first child and I
realized my many, many weaknesses regarding parenting. I struggled deeply with feelings of
inadequacy, self doubt and discouragement that I would never be the kind of
mother I had dreamed of being. Derek
lovingly encouraged me to keep trying and doing my best. We had our first 3 babies within 3.5
years. It was a crazy time! I loved my boys so, so much but continued to
feel overwhelmed and discouraged. I didn’t suddenly gain confidence in myself
but in quiet ways I could feel myself becoming stronger and more capable of
feeling joy in the journey of motherhood.
I remember having a very special moment during these difficult years
when I distinctly understood that what I was doing for my children could not be
done by anyone else. I had left the classroom to spend my days
changing diapers and cleaning toilets. For years I had wondered if anything
that I was doing in my home from day to day made a difference. At that moment I
knew that it made a world of difference to these little people in my care. Students come and go but these little people
would be mine forever. Even in all my weaknesses,
I was giving a gift to my children. I
was choosing to bring them into the world and doing all I could to help them
grow to be the people God hoped them to become.
This was a sweet turning point.
More years went by and more sweet babies joined our
family. After each baby came I
experienced a degree of the postpartum depression I had felt with my first
baby, but I could feel my sense of purpose gently growing and strengthening me. After we found out that baby #6 would
actually be 6 and 7 we both remembered the experience I had as a missionary. 
When I went to the ultrasound revealing the twins gender I
had felt certain that one of the babies would be a sister for Adelaide. When the
ultrasound tech told us we would have 2 little boys I immediately commented to
Derek that we could possibly have one more baby meant to join our family. I’m not sure that was the right moment to
bring up the idea as we were just digesting the thought of having 6 sons. I decided to keep this thought in my heart
and think on it a while. Not too long
afterward my Sister Becky had a deeply spiritual experience in the temple
during which she felt impressed to share with me that there may be a sister to
join our family at some point. I was so
happy to hear her experience and knew that if I was meant to have another baby
that Derek would also feel the same eventually and he did.
At my postpartum checkup after the twins I made a plan with
my OBGYN about the best window for conceiving our last baby. I was fast approaching my 40th
birthday and knew that we needed to try for it sooner than later but the doctor
reminded me that after a C-section I needed to allow at least 18 months between
births. When I started reading up on my
odds of conceiving at my age I tried not to be discouraged. I also realized that since Adelaide was a
happy surprise, we had never successfully figured out how to conceive a girl.
All our attempts at conception have resulted in boys. Despite all these odds I
pushed forward with confidence. When I
found out I was pregnant I was overjoyed.
Less than 8 weeks later I lost the baby.
At this point I felt spiritual confusion and doubt. I knew I was supposed to try for this last
baby but was my age the reason for the miscarriage? Did God want me to keep
trying or was all of it just meant to be a spiritual exercise? I had followed
heart and done my best, was that enough?
Perhaps that little sister was only meant to be conceived and not ever
born. All these thoughts kept me from
feeling the confidence I had once had at trying for one last baby.
One night I said a simple prayer explaining to God that I
wanted one more baby but didn’t have the confidence or strength to move forward
and that I didn’t know how. God heard my
simple prayer. On Christmas day, I discovered that I was pregnant again! 2016 was a truly remarkable year. In one calendar year I had carried 4 babies! The
twins were born in January, I became pregnant again in October and then again
in early December. Think of all those hormones,
no wonder I’ve been so emotional!
Tomorrow is our 20 week ultrasound and I find myself feeling
excited and nervous. I believe that
Adelaide’s little sister could very well have been the baby that didn’t make
it. This helps me feel that no matter
what we learn tomorrow we will win. The idea of having 7 sons is crazy but sweet
and amazing and of course if it’s a girl we will also be thrilled. If God can bring us to it, He will bring us
through it!
Cast your vote and let us know what you think our baby will
be!
